Allow me to start by saying that I feel like an ass because this is so late. My gifts actually arrived on Friday, but I got extremely busy and kept saying, “Oh, I’ll just write about it after work/dinner/the kids go to bed/after breakfast tomorrow,” and here we are on Wednesday. I wanted to put some time and thought into the write-up to reflect the time and thought that very obviously went into my Santa’s selection process.

I initially got a message from him saying that two packages were coming my way. Soon after reading it, I completely forgot. Not just about the message, but about the exchange entirely.

Seconds after the Fed Ex guy left, I ripped open the box and found the book: Nightwatch. I had mentioned in my profile that I received a telescope for Christmas, but I wasn’t really sure how to use it. I mean, I can use it to find the moon, but targeting individual stars or even finding particular stars is something I haven’t even attempted yet. This book is jam-packed with pictures and instructions, so I can finally begin stargazing properly. My Secret Santa gave me access to the Universe.

While I absolutely loved the gift, I loved the inscription even more. “Astronomy has been one of the biggest parts of my life since I was 4 years old. I hope you enjoy “looking up” as much as I have for the past 33 years.” I decided I was going to tape the inscription inside the book so I could always keep it.

“Man,” I thought, “I got the best Santa ever!” Just like a flash, I remembered he said the other package would be coming through the mail. I excitedly ran to the mailbox and pulled out the second package. I reached in and pulled out rhinovirus, aka the common cold. I had always wanted one of those giant microbes because I find them completely adorable. (Yes, I’m aware that I may have some problems) After my Santa gave me the Universe, he gave me a disease.

But wait! There was still something else left in the package! What could it be?! I reached my hand into the box and pulled out my worst nightmare: E.T. Fuck no.

Context: A few days prior, I was looking at the r/askreddit thread “What movie moment emotionally scarred you as a child?” Someone answered that they were brokenhearted when E.T. left. Someone else commented that they found E.T. terrifying as a child. I agreed with the second commenter and wrote, “I'm 28 and I still hate that fucking movie because it's way too creepy. I knew people who had ET dolls and whatnot. WHY WOULD YOU WANT THAT IN YOUR ROOM?”

Initially, I wasn’t sure if this had been done on purpose or if it was the worst coincidence ever, until I read the card: “Got a laugh from reading about how creepy you find E.T. Thought it would be funny to send him along for the ride.” Oh, you found that funny, did you?

At the end of the day, my dearest Santa, I can’t even be mad. The fact that you would actually do such a dickhead thing appeals to my sick sense of humor much more than I am terrified by its existence.

Thank you so much, Santa! You made this my favorite exchange yet!

Lisa831

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